Put a Baby in Me: Part 10

One of my best friend’s and her son came to stay with me for a couple of days. It was so much fun hanging out with her and getting some good hands-on experience with a four year old. As I waved goodbye to them, I headed back upstairs and was greeted by something very unpleasant. No, it wasn’t a leftover turd that someone forgot to flush, it was my period. Just like last time, I had a feeling about a week ago that I wasn’t pregnant. I even said to my friend the day before she left my place that I thought I wasn’t. She asked how I knew, and all I could say is that I know my body pretty well, and things just didn’t feel different.

It was such a shock to get my period because it came a day early and I didn’t really have too many PMS symptoms. Really, there was just one tell-tale sign and it’s kind of an embarrassing one. As mentioned elsewhere, I have a sickness when it comes to watching terrible rom coms. The weekend before, and I hate to admit this, I watched Bride Wars and totally cried at the ending. It’s not like I haven’t seen this movie before, and it’s not like it was a tear jerking moment. I even almost cried telling my other best friend about this moment when we were out to dinner a couple of days later. This act alone made me realize I would be getting my period.

I don’t know if it was the shock, or just a feeling of “not again” and defeat, but I burst into tears sitting on the toilet. Have you ever cried while sitting on the toilet? 1/10 would not recommend (that rhymed). I spent the rest of the day moping around, doing the occasional crying, and baking because the next day was going to be Thanksgiving. I texted my mom to tell her that I had gotten my period and was met with the same text as last time, “I’m sorry.” There’s really nothing to apologize for, it’s just the way these things go. I’m beginning to feel like my ovaries are just pushing out dust balls at this point.

Another thing is that I don’t know if the IUI’s are causing my period to come earlier than usual, or if it’s stress, or if my body is adjusting to having sperm inside of it or what, but my cycles have been pretty short. I asked my OB/GYN practitioner aunt at Thanksgiving dinner about this and she basically said it was due to stress. She said, “You may not feel like you’re stressed, but you’re subconsciously thinking about it all the time. I’m not surprised that you got it early.”

I also talked with her about my hesitancy to start hormone treatments. There are some things that worry me about it. One is that they make your ovaries produce multiple eggs. The eggs may not be viable, or they may both be viable. If I have two viable eggs and both of them get fertilized, I’m in a shit ton of trouble. TWINS!? Oh, hell no. I can’t afford to have twins on my own, and I doubt I could take care of them by myself. Two is that there is some medical research that shows women who took fertility hormones in order to help them get pregnant have an increased chance of developing ovarian cancer down the line. I talked with my aunt about this and told her that I’m still very much on the fence in terms of taking hormones. She agreed with my worries. I have some major thinking to do on this one.

Another thing that is kind of stressing me out is an email I received from the clinic I’ve been using. They are going to be closing at the end of February. The email stated that they will not be taking any new patients, and will be helping all of their current patients until that time. If I don’t get pregnant by then, I need to decide if I want to keep trying at a different clinic, or move on from this dream. See, this is where having an unlimited supply of sperm in the form of a partner would really come in handy. I could keep trying and trying and trying, and it would be a lot more fun than the process I’m going through right now. Sure, the disappointment and sadness would still be the same, but I’d also be getting laid on the regular. It’s like the theme song from The Facts of Life says:

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both and there you have the facts of life

So, I will continue trying until February. At that point, if I’m not pregnant, I’ll have to figure out what I want to do. I’m hoping that I won’t need to cross that bridge, but I have a sneaking suspicion I will have to.

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